THESE happen in all courts, from the Supreme Court down to the municipal courts. Lawyers, witnesses, interpreters and even just court spectators commit blunders, or simply bloopers. If one is of the impression that all lawyers were trained to be good court examiners, he is wrong. You wouldn’t believe that even noted lawyers commit such blunders in court especially in direct or cross examining a witness.

In Iloilo, I think only judges could tell how often these blunders by lawyers and interpreters happen. Like in one local court, the lawyer asked the witness: “What is sex of your carabao that was taken away by the accused?” The question was interpreted to the witness who answered, “Babae.” The interpreter translated it into English for the record, “A she.” Everybody laughed, including the judge. It should have been translated, “My carabao is a female,” so I thought. To my surprise the lady judge suggested the same translation.

In another court, a well known lawyer who is brilliant and very charismatic, I should say, stood up to argue his motion. He was in his usual sartorial elegance with his branded suit. Before he could finish his first line, the judge, who is apparently not dressed to nines, suddenly blurted, “Attorney (blank), I do not want any grandstanding in my courtroom.”

I was also in one court that afternoon for a hearing on the application for a writ of preliminary injunction of my client. I really prepared for it—arguments and direct examination of my witnesses. After the respondents’ counsel was through with his argument on why the injunction should not issue, the judge who was busy scribbling some notes, so I thought, of my opposing counsel’s arguments then turned to me and said, “Counsel, argue your case.” So, I stood up, very composed and confident because I was well prepared for it. When I argue I usually come near the stenographer who is beside the judge, and speak slowly so that the stenographer could get all what I had spoken. While I argue, I saw the judge scribbling his pen. Because I was tall, as I argue, of course I have to make constant eye contact with the judge. He was not looking at me though but just busy with his pen. I was able to glance at his desk as he was writing and, to my dismay, he was not taking down notes on my argument. He was solving a crossword puzzle that he cut from the newspaper and pasted in his yellow pad. He did not grant the injunction but I won that case though on the merits.

If we Filipino lawyers commit such blunders or bloopers in court and caused courtroom disorders at times, maybe, ours is not that stupid as those committed by American lawyers. I still have to hear or know of similar US court incidents in my years of practice here.

My sister who is based in Maryland sent by email some excerpts from the book “Disorders in American Courts” and I really laughed aloud like I laughed when Gary Lising gave us his jokes at the vespera party of the Garins at their residence Monday evening last week. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Here are some of them:

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

***

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

***

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan!

***

Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

***

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

***

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Are you shittin’ me?

***

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Uh . . . I was getting’ laid!

***

Attorney: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there any girls?

Witness: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney?

***

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

***

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium in height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Guess.

***

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

***

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Denton?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: (Disgusted at the question.) No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

***

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Huh . . . Are you qualified to ask that question?

***

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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